In this video Kathy talks about how to deal with the pain and hurt after going through a relationship breakup. Kathy discusses techniques that can be implemented to help with the healing process.

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Talia: If you’ve ever been hurt in a relationship then you know how important the healing process is. We’re back with Kathy McKenzie from Fire Up Coaching and Dean who is a relationship coach to talk about just that:

Dealing with the pain: how do we move on from heartache or hurt when it comes to relationships? 

Kathy: Look, it’s a really difficult thing for people when they go through relationship breakup or have a history of relationships not working to actually be able to start to shift their own thinking because it’s only natural when you’ve been hurt that you start thinking about what you want to avoid in the next relationship.

“Well I don’t want someone who does this and I don’t want someone who is like that person in that way.”

And so the natural tendency is to start to focus on what we don’t want and it’s actually… it could be counterintuitive… you actually have to go back to focusing on “What can I learn from that?” “What are the things I do want in a relationship that I didn’t get from that?

Dean: It’s the voids that we’ve experienced, it’s the negatives that we’ve experienced, unless we can say “thank you” to it.

Unless we can give thanks and almost to certain point find love, and it sounds a bit… you’ve got your heart broken… “you are asking me to go and find love?”

But there are ways you can go about asking yourself, “How is it that you can actually get value and benefit from this breakup?”

Naturally, time’s obviously a big thing, they do say “Time does heal all wounds”. But to speed the process up is about asking yourself “How can I get some value or benefit from what it is I am experiencing right now, be it a breakup or a relationship that is not going the way I want to get?” Until you can say “thank you”, until you can find love, it will control your life and it will begin to manifest itself in other relationships. So my message really is about doing whatever you can to find love in a breakup.

Talia: How do you find that love when you’re surrounded by all these emotions of mixed feelings and hurt?

Kathy: Well, one of the techniques is to actually start to recognize the patterns that you are running.

Because one of them is that we tend to make it permanent that, “Oh my God, I’ve broken up and I’m never gonna find love again”.

And so, one of the things is to start thinking the opposite to that, “Okay, it’s not permanent, it’s just I’m just feeling this pain at the moment” and give yourself time to heal, give yourself time, make sure you do actually take the time to almost grieve that relationship.

And the other thing is to think about your internal dialogue with yourself. Because what happens is a lot of people start that conversation, “I’m sure if I hadn’t done that”, or “If I shouldn’t have done that”, or “If I didn’t say that, maybe we’d still be together” and they’d start blaming themselves.

So rather than personalize it, really bring it back to thinking, “Well, there was a lot of things I couldn’t influence in that, what can I influence in the future?”

Dean: A really simple process, a really simple technique for you to better do something about that, is if you can think about the relationship that… let’s say you just broken up in and if you can think about all the things that you don’t like from that relationship, also called…

let’s say negatives or voids or challenges, and you can go asking yourself, “what are like five benefits that I could actually get from that thing that I really disliked from that experience or from that relationship?”

And It might turn out to be confusing stuff, so the conscious mind goes, “I’m not really sure what you’re talking about here”, but if you allow time for quietness to just, to quite the mind and just ask yourself, just ask yourself like sort of open-ended questions, on how can these things, these 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 things that I really dislike be a benefit to me and actually get five benefits.

And you find that the dialogue inside of here, that negative…  you hear this word… it’s like this negative internal dialogue, starts to sort of… it may not necessarily disappear, but you can start to turn, just turn the dial down, just a touch.

Talia: Such a personal topic. Thank you, Dean and Kathy, for sharing with us. I know everyone is affected by relationships and the hurt and pain of relationships; it’s so encouraging to know that we can move on.


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