In this video Kathy and Dean talk about building better relationships with those around us. They talk about how to identify both the helpful and harmful relationships in our life.
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Relationships – Transcript
Talia: I’m here with Kathy from FireUp Coaching and Dean who is a relationship coach. This might seem like a massive question and I am really hoping that you got a nice, simple answer for us, but…
“How do we get the best of our relationships?”
Dean: I really do think that the most important thing about getting the best of our relationships is having a really solid relationship with ourselves.
You know I think that we can’t really see anything else other than who we are, so making sure that we’re sort of… aware of what’s going on inside our own thinking and addressing stuff that we probably need to address.
I think is a really good first steps to allow us for any real relationships to thrive.
Kathy: I think a big thing is, we just don’t notice whether our relationship is based on equal values, and what’s important, and supporting each other, and being our best in that relationship.
Or whether it’s kind of a negotiation of needs, in that “I need you to make me feel special and “you need me for whatever reason” and I think I let that a long time ago, took me a long time to get that right mind to you.
Some people would tend to be the rescuer in a relationship so as a child they got significant and recognized for being the helper.
So as they go through life they become the helper in relationships.
And whilst that might be good to a point, if we are always rescuing someone else, it may mean that there are needs that are not being met or you get people who are really the victim and you know, that “everyone else is luckier than me”, “the reason you got a great relationship is because you are prettier” – all those things that people tell themselves that create this victim mindset.
And then there’s the people who’ve grown up sort of having to really fight for everything or battle their way through childhood and became a bit of a persecutor. So they actually can be quite controlling in a relationship and that’s really unhealthy as well.
Dean: I think there’s a lot of people out there that are living a life of a fantasy. They think that there is this so-called Ideal Relationship,
this “soul mate”, this illusion that we are all going for: the tick box – you gonna tick this, and tick this, and tick this. What I believe to be true and what all my clients believe to be true, is that…
“The people that really connect to us are the people that push our buttons the most.”
It seems so simple but the ones that we learn the most about in a relationship, this perception that, “Ok come on, when everything’s so good why do they keep bringing me down?” Look, my wife does it. But there are people that allow us to really connect to what’s really important to us. They allow us to learn about ourselves.
And so I think finding value in supposed conflicts, in that there might be things that we don’t like in our partner, and let’s be honest, there are things.
But by finding out what it is that really is, how can I find the value in that for me which allow myself to grow and in turn allow our relationship to grow versus pointing the finger outward and saying “why you keep on doing this?”, “why you doing that?”, “you should be doing it this way, this, this, this” but actually saying, “You know what?
“Why don’t we all just start reacting with kindness?”
These people we love the most, the people that we probably are going to spend as much time in our relationships and relating to, they are the ones that make us humble; they are the ones that allow us to live that life and inspiration and as far as we’re really connecting to love, they are the ones we learn the most; they are the ones who’re gonna push our buttons the most.